❓ WHAT IS ANXIETY?
According American Psychological Association (APA) it is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.
Anxiety is an emotion like others (happiness, sadness, anger, etc). It is a natural reaction of the human body and mind that serves to protect us from potentially dangerous and harmful situations and motivates us to act accordingly. Anxiety basically warns our body “Attention! Something is happening around you? Be cautious. Prepare yourself.” or “Attention! This is important. If you don’t do something, you could…”
We are supposed to feel anxious in a range of situations like if we are standing on the edge of a cliff or in the middle of a highway, when you are about to present/perform in front of a crowd, when we have an important exam, do something in limited time, or simply telling someone you love them for the first time.
Together with fear, anxiety triggers the system called 3F: Fight, Flight, Freeze. That’s why we have all the somatic reactions like the tension of muscles, sweaty palms, higher blood pressure, and increased heart rate… Our body is preparing for a fight, quick escape or to hide from danger. Anxiety and worries are also telling our body that something is important for us. That’s why the level of adrenaline goes up and other parts of the sympathetic nervous system reaction are activated. Our body prepares for necessary action so important goals could be reached.
So anxiety is not essentially bad, it could be unpleasant but it is a natural mechanism that helps us survive and adapt to the world around us.
☝ WHEN IS ANXIETY PROBLEMATIC?
The thing is, we aren’t crossing a highway every day, and our children are not facing a bear every time they step into the school. A low level of anxiety could be present in everyday life, especially in new situations. Even short-term episodes of high anxiety are expected in certain periods (starting a school, the long absence of a parent, changing a place of living, mild family problems, difficulty with certain content/skill in school, bullying, etc), but children get over it in time with support or/and positive experience.
Sometimes children don’t grow out of it, and it becomes a problem. The anxiety is considered problematic when:
- It becomes very FREQUENT – if your child experience anxiety very often, in diverse situations (especially if the number of different situations increases with time), or it lasts long and stays despite the reassurance.
- It is very INTENSE – if the feelings and reactions are very strong and bring distress to your child and the family, or if the fear is not in proportion with a threat (and doesn’t reduce with time).
- INTERFERES with everyday functioning and development – if it stops your child from being involved in age-appropriate activities, like play, interacting with peers or other adults, going outside, attending school, etc and starts creating avoiding behavior. Or if it disrupts your child in concentrating, learning properly, gaining new skills, or practicing what he/she already learned.
- It is happening in INNOCUOUS situations – if it starts happening in the situations that are part of usual routines or everyday life like visiting friends, going to the market, anything similar. Or if it starts happening spontaneously with no obvious reasons.
When you are suspecting problematic anxiety in a child, it is important to keep in mind the current situation, context, age, and individual differences. And if you are not sure if it’s “normal” for him/her to feel something or behave in a certain way you should always contact a mental health professional and get a second opinion.
Some problematic anxiety can pass with adequate parent and/or school support, with growth and change of circumstances or learning coping mechanisms through everyday activities. But, problematic anxiety (especially if it is ignored) could, as well, develop into some kind of anxiety disorder (general anxiety, separation anxiety, social anxiety disorder, selective mutism, panic attacks, a specific phobia or some other related condition) and lead to depression, low self-esteem, poor relationships with others, difficulty in studying, and later on professional development, etc.
👀 HOW TO RECOGNIZE ANXIETY IN CHILDREN?
Anxiety occurs through 3 systems:
- Emotions and reactions in the body – if they can name the emotion, children usually connect anxiety to being afraid, nervous, or worried. Sometimes they describe it as butterflies in their stomach, or just as feeling bad or upset. They could also feel tiredness and tension in the muscles, numbness, sweating, feeling very hot or cold, discomfort or pain in the stomach, nausea, dizziness, lightheaded, or unsteady feelings, headache, feeling foggy, feelings of a lump in the throat or choking, shortness of breath or rapid breathing, chest pain or discomfort, rapid heart rate, etc.
- Thoughts – children, even the older ones often can’t recognize anxious thoughts. If they are able to tell, those are usually worries and negative thoughts, like “I will fall my exam. What if my mom forgets to pick me up from school? What if my dad gets sick and dies? My friends will laugh at me…” Because of focusing on worries, anxious children often have poor concentration or struggle with learning. Those who deal with problematic anxiety perceive the world as a very dangerous place, so their common thoughts are that the situation is threatening, even when it isn’t for most of the children (for example going to a friend’s birthday party, being next to a harmless pet, or having a biology class…). They constantly expect something bad to happen.
- Behaviors – Because of the feelings and thoughts connected to anxiety, children could express a range of different behaviors. Those behaviors could be more or less disruptive and noticeable for parents and other people. When they are anxious, younger children usually show increased irritability, crying, clinging, tantrums, difficulties to separate from parents, reassurance-seeking behavior (“what if” questions), comfort-seeking behavior (sitting on parents laps, sleeping in parents bed), and dependency (asking parents to do things for them, or just to be there even if a children can do things by themselves). Avoidance is the most often consequence of anxiety.
💗 HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD?
Nobody likes to see his/her children struggling and feeling unpleasant, but we cannot completely eliminate anxiety from their lives. Even if we could, it would be wrong, because anxiety is an important part of our functioning. Instead, we want to teach children how to manage it and that will, among other things, help them reduce problematic anxiety.
- OBSERVE AND LISTEN Be present in children’s life and observe their behavior. If you are suspecting that they are anxious, look for the signs and patterns. Ask your child how does he/she feels, what does he/she think. Be open to hear and recognize what your child is trying to tell you.
- CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDEHow we perceive things around and inside us define how we will feel about them. It is very important for you as a parent, to change your attitude toward anxiety, so you can pass it to the child. It helps if you start looking at anxiety as a natural reaction, that is not necessarily bad, and that it is actually there to protect us. It also helps if you expect it to be unpleasant sometimes, and start thinking that it is ok to feel unpleasant from time to time. Because anxiety will pass, it has its own “habitual curve”, it starts slowly, rises, you can feel its peak, but then it has to drop, it is a natural wave. Readiness to tolerate discomfort (even if you cannot do it all the time) is already a step forward and it will automatically reduce levels of stress. Anxiety is part of us, the more we fight it, the more it will rise. It is better to accept it and find a way to handle it.
- TALK ABOUT ANXIETYEven if your child doesn’t struggle with anxiety, he/she should know about it. Take a moment and explain to him/her what anxiety is and how it works. Be calm, this should be part of everyday learning about themselves (like learning parts of their body), and try not to impose that they should feel it in certain situations or in a particular way. There are a lot of sites, books and videos that can help you with this, but you can also just use your natural way of talking and interacting with your child. For younger children is good to use symbolic and visual props so they can understand and imagine it better.
- HELP THEM RECOGNIZE ITWith explanations on how anxiety usually feels, you should empower them to explore their own feelings, thoughts and behaviors, and find out how anxiety feels for them. You can ask them in which situations they usually feel it and empower them to recognize every time it happens. If parents in their relationship with the children, create a safe space for them to express feelings, they will be free to recognize and express their anxiety.When you notice they are anxious (or suspect), instead of leading questions like “Are you worried? Are you afraid? Is something wrong?” you can ask them “How do you feel? What do you feel in your body? What thoughts do you have? How would you call it?”When children are struggling with problematic anxiety it helps if you find together some name and character for it like a dragon, wolf, ninja… however your child sees it. In that way you will externalize anxiety, so when it happens the child will not completely identify with the feeling. It is rather just a peace of him/her, its inner “dragon” that sometimes protects but sometimes feels uncomfortable. Giving the feeling identity and visualisation of it helps in recognizing and dealing with it. So your child can think of how to calm the “dragon” down, or he/she can say when it is too strong and they need help.
- HELP THEM DEAL WITH FEELINGSSometimes it is exhausting to have a child that is constantly seeking reassurance, crying and clinging in every new situation, or depends too much on you. But, if you are upset (angry, anxious, sad) when your child is feeling anxious that can only lead to more stress and additional feelings of guilt, sadness, worthless in the child. So, try to stay calm, manage your own feelings about the child, and use private time to express and deal with them.Respecting children’s feelings doesn’t mean you should empower them, validation doesn’t mean agreement. So you should listen to them emphatically, recognize and validate their struggles, but support them to tolerate and overcome anxiety. What you can say when your child is expressing anxiety could sound something like “I see/hear you are afraid and I know it is not easy, but I believe you can do this and I am here to support you”.Next step is to teach and empower them to use coping mechanisms. Mindfulness, meditation and breathing practices showed a big positive effects not just on dealing with anxiety and fears but in improving children’s complete emotional and mental wellbeing. Different body exercises and relaxing techiques for muscles, yoga, pilates, dance. But also other things that could specifically help your child, like art, listening to music, reading a book, play… Children are different and they could be experts in knowing what can help them, so support them to find and use what works for them. They can do all of these things regularly, but you should reinforce using them always when they feel anxious. It helps if you make a little routine with them so he/she can always refer to that when they are upset. Making a calming spot in the house helps.
- HELP THEM DEAL WITH THOUGHTSAnxious children often have negative thoughts about themselves and the world around them. Teach them how to turn those thoughts into positive. Let them know they are smart, beautiful, skilled, and that they can do things, that not all situations are dangerous. What you are saying to them, becomes their inner voice. Support thinking that best will happen, and positive outcomes are more likely (especially if we put effort in it).
- NO AVOIDINGIf your child feels anxious about, for example going to school, and starts expressing it through crying, clinging or tantrums and you feel like it is to much distress, let him/her stay at home today, that will drop a level of anxiety at the moment and your child will feel better. But this says to your child’s brain, that by crying/tantruming/clinging they can avoid triggers, not just that, by avoiding the triggering situations they will stop feeling anxious.This will reinforce two types of behavior, crying/clinging/tantruming as a way to avoid stressful situations, and avoidance as a coping mechanism for anxiety. That just increases the level of anxiety in the long term. This is called anxiety cycle and it is very often hard for parents to stop it, as they have best intentions for their children. But it is very important not to give into your child, the more you do it the worse the anxiety gets. Don’t avoid situations that triggers anxiety, help them go through it. And let them know you are appreciating their efforts to deal with it. Reward courageous behavior.
- BE PREPARED FOR POTENTIALY ANXIOUS SITUATIONSThere are situations in which you will expect your child to be anxious (if it already happened, or they have fears of similar things…) but don’t reinforce it, maybe he/she will not feel as you thought. So try not to send a message like “It could be scary for you”, in any way (verbally, non-verbally, with your attitude or tone of your voice).On the other hand if your child asks about the potential danger or something that worries them about future events, express positive but realistic expectations. Like “The injection might hurt a bit, but you can handle it and I will be there with you” or “I love basketball and i am a good player now, but my first classes were not very successful”Instead of reassuring them ahead, which will reduce their anxiety right now but reinforce it in a long run and make them more dependent, teach them problem solving or think things through with them. Like, if your child is worried if you are going to pick him/her up after the school ask them “I am always coming to pick you up, but if something happens and I am not there, what would you do? Who can help you? Will they let you stay alone in the school? What you can you do while you are waiting?” and come up with common solution.
- MANAGE YOUR OWN ANXIETYChildren look at their parents for information about how to interpret situations around them. If a parent is anxious and see world as a dangerous place, the child will as well. Not just that, children look at parents as models for behavior in all kind of situations. So control your own anxiety and model healthy ways of managing it.
- PREVENT# Make children get wide range of experiences (situations, places, people) since early childhood and they will be less afraid of new things
# Let them make their own decisions over small things, that will boost their confidence
# Teach and support their independence whenever possible (using toilet, falling asleep, doing homework, going to the market by themselves)
# Teach problem solving and encourage their solutions for different things in family life
# Teach and talk about feelings and healthy way of deeling with them
# Let them know that it’s ok to make mistakes and teach them how to learn from it
# Promote healthy sleeping and eating habits
# Build open and trustful relationship that encourage sharing of thoughts and emotions
Anxiety could be just a small part of your family life, or a big problem. Either or, teaching your children to handle their emotions is a lifetime asset that can help them live with more happiness and fulfilment.
